My realization of my mental disabilities and one of coping methods that's helped me the most.

A few years ago I realized that one of the most important ways to cope with my mental disabilities (depression and extreme anxiety) is to share my mental plights with those individuals that I love and love me in return. This method of coping intensified after an uncomfortable session with my therapist at the time. But, prior to this amazing and difficult revelation, I had to overcome the tendency of remaining quite do to my odd ideology that sharing my problems with those around me would somehow endanger them and make them vulnerable to my mental implications. This process took me years of a very long, uncomfortable, silent and lonely journey that alienated me from those that cared for me, which, resulted in me being slowly pulled towards deathly results that I had to retrain my brain to withdraw from. The first step for me was to sit down alone during one of my meditation sessions ironically to evaluate how absurd my way of thinking was for not only myself but, those I claim to love around me.

 I spent a few hours laying in bed tearing apart my fallacy way of thinking. Basically, asking myself what I desperately needed to, but, refrained from doing so years prior do to uncertainties that I had no control over. I started off my misconstructed ideology dissection by asking the basic questions in no particular order; How it didn't make sense? Why it didn't make sense? What caused me to think this way? Who was the main source of these misconceptions? Where did this lead me in life? and When should I start my process to change for the better?

The first important question that I spent most of the time analyzing was "Who was the main source of these misconceptions?". The answer was very obviously and undoubtedly fault of my own; no matter the circumstances that molded me into this depressed and anxiety stricken person that I am. I had to come to the realization that no matter the horrific events that happened years ago to me when I was a child, no matter the duration of the said event, that as an adult now I had to take control of my life physically, mentally and emotionally. This was easier said than done since after this realization I was sobbing uncontrollably which as annoying as it may be to me is a necessary reaction when dealing with a coping mechanism to overcome a traumatic event. At that moment I decided that I would not allow myself to get through all these unstable emotions anymore, although, I had to understand this will take time, repetition and constantly reminding myself that I can do it no matter how long this will take, since, coping is key. 

Next, I went into the question of "How my way of thinking didn't make any sense?" I can dive deep into my past, for this reason, creating what I believe to be justifications or my own sake and correlate them to my current mishaps, but, what I couldn't control when I was younger has no control over what I'm able to accomplish/control now as an adult. Hence, the common denominator is always me. I had to look at how I'm allowing my past traumatic events to control my life (currently crying having a bit of PTSD)... So, I must allow myself to continuously face my fears and move on at my own pace and not keep myself stranded in my traumatic memories; yes I'm aware that it's easier said than done.

Then I moved on to Why this method of thinking didn't make sense? which caused me to really dig deep into my subconscious. What it made aware of is that I am literally in control of my thoughts and that no one near me thought of me as a burden, an issue, nuisance, a lost cause, etc all these negative and misguided thoughts were caused by own negative mental volition. Reason being, everyone around me thought of me as a sweet and caring individual that takes up everyone else's troubles as my own and loved others more than I loved myself. I listen and try my best to help those around me, yes my therapy sessions have literally just slightly taken the cap of over 19 years of suppressed emotions, but, I myself have not really sat down an just let it all go, which is something I have to overcome and allow tears to flow without feeling somehow guilty and disgusted about it because of what was said to me during the dramatic event. 

Onward in my mental evaluation, I asked myself What was causing me to think this way? This question was easy to answer after the first three, but, there were still underline reasons that I had to face no matter how hard I wanted to avoid them. I already knew what was causing me to think this way admitting it was and still is constantly difficult, since, I had to go back and face my difficult past to overcome my current problems. For example, I must go back into the days I encountered my trauma to say my past is not my future nor should I allow it to be. 

After that, I asked myself Where has this way of thinking lead me in life? This negative way of thinking has definitely kept me stuck in my past traumas and ensured that I wouldn't overcome them how I should and process coping mechanisms the way they were meant to be utilized. But, this took a very long time, from me blaming everything negative possible to me being stupid even though this was not any way true. So, I realized all the pent-up rage, anger, sadness, and nothingness had to be expelled through talking and allowing myself to cry when I needed or other positive activities that I will get into better detail in future post.

Finally, I got to the last important question of my meditation towards taking the necessary step to healing and coping with my mental disabilities. I asked myself When should I start taking action towards overcoming my cognitive misconceptions? My answer, of course, was also obvious; I needed to start right away. So, I got up spoke to my husband and best-friend about my issues and how talking to them will help me with my coping methods. Next, the biggest and hardest thing that I ever had to do which took a few months of talking myself into doing it was picking up the phone and deciding to speak to my mother about what happened to me as a child and how this dangerously affected my mental, physical, and emotional characteristics. Of course, revealing this caused deep emotional responses and a deeper understanding of how past communication attempts between the two of us didn't go as well and resulted in me withdrawing almost all of the time. This was by the time I just literally decided to speak to those around me that I consider love ones and share with them how I feel no matter how difficult it may be for me, meaning, this takes time and yes every time I share I turn into a ball of snot and tears lol especially when I'm facing a dangerous level of depression during that time. 

With this, I've learned and I'm still learning that I shouldn't hide away during an intense episode of my depression and instead share my inner thoughts and feeling when I need to for not only emotional but, physical and mental support that I desperately need instead of staying away from it. This is also one of the reasons why  I value communication as one of the most important skills in human life. Communicating my inner thoughts and feelings has helped me cope and lessen the impact of my depression on me no matter how slightly of the positive impact it still helps me manage every day of my life. I will definitely add more serious blogs such as this and other related problems I've overcome or are overcoming.